why do i feel as if my feelings aren’t heard? i know i’m quiet. i know i’m shy. i know i’m scared. but can’t people see that i am in pain?
my mom was always right, i give and i give and i give until there’s nothing left of me and i don’t receive the same treatment. all i want is to be loved the way i love others. i don’t think i am asking for a lot. its not like i want money or gifts, material things don’t matter to me. what does matter is hugs, words… just your affection in general.
to the somebody reading this, please help me find a world where these tears don’t exist anymore. the weight on my chest is slowly killing me, and as each day goes on it becomes worse and worse.
the hate in this world affects me a lot. the negativity i see in other people is causing me to become angry. i see careless drinking, reckless driving, and excessive drug use more than i see responsibility.
hence the reason i am working with young children. they are too young to see the amount of hate in the world. their innocence is what makes me happy for a short amount of time, because for them their world consists of love and toys. For us young adults, our world is being controlled by the actions of people in our age groups. Drinking, partying, smoking, speeding. This is all I see anymore.
I am not happy, and I probably wont be until I start seeing a more positive environment. I left my home to start over with new surroundings and new people, and I feel exactly the same way I did living back home.
I don’t blame my boyfriend for not understanding. There is a reason I tell him that he needs to remind me every now and then why he cares and why he feels the way he does towards me. If I don’t hear the love coming from his own words, I cannot feel it.
I feel empty, kind of like a hole. I have felt this way for a long time, and I am just now realizing how difficult it is to deal with it. I can’t lay in bed all day and night anymore because I have to take on countless amounts of responsibilities. I can’t hide anymore. All the time I spent under my covers avoiding the world, I could have spent building myself to become the person I want to be.
But, here I am yet again typing my heart out and not helping myself become that person. Another day has gone by where I don’t benefit myself at all. What truly bothers me is that I used to have so many dreams, and now I can barely remember what they are. Right now, my only goals are to get through the days one by one until I do find something that makes me happy.
After typing all of this, I realized that nobody can make me completely happy, I’m not saying that I can’t be given temporary happiness, but nobody can make this hurt go away. Only myself. But until then, these tears will fall day after day until I run dry and I will eventually become an emotionless being, just like my teddy bears. The hurtfulness caused by today’s society will no longer affect me and I will just sit here, blankly staring into an abyss wishing my feelings could be felt by the others around me. I just need somebody to understand.
Now that I think about it, I wonder how my bears feel sitting on the dresser over there. I wish they could tell me their feelings, I promise I’d listen.